To The Electors
and Non-Electors of Ballina
----------------------------------------------------------------
I HEREBY give notice to all patriotic men,
And independent voters of the town,
That I will stand as candidate for Urban Councillor
And have notified Mr. Brown.
I ask you now to give me your influence and support,
And all vote for Larry Doolan to a man;
I will guide and guard your principles so that very soon you’ll see
The following improvements if I can:--
We want an elevated track for bicycles alone,
From Rehins little bridge down to Bunree,
Where cyclists can amuse themselves and scorch at any pace
Without let or hindrance from the R.I.C.
Motor cars, electric cars, and prams should pay a toll,
Also people who would stroll there after dark,
This spec. would prove a marked success, and ultimately pay,
As sure as Jimmy Helly killed the shark.
I would have the pubs kept open until two o’clock at night,
And one in every street until broad day,
As I know from sad experience that early rising man
Would want a little drop to wet his clay.
Then, if we could not get them to reside in Ballina,
The overworked policeman could sit quietly at home,
Or smoke his pipe although it might be ten,
Then, like the wearied warrior, enjoy that peace and rest,
That tired nature craves for tired men.
The tramps that sometimes visit us are badly treated here,
And in point of fact they often must sleep out,
We should find them furnished lodgings, spring bed, and warm baths,
Tobacco, pipes, and extra double stout.
Or coax them to remain with us for life,
Each man should get a bicycle to help him on the road—
Or a tricycle—if he should have a wife.
All Bachelors ambitioning an urban seat to fill,
Should take a pledge on nomination day,
That he within the year should find a lady to his taste,
And there and then get married right away.
Filing this the Council, in compliance with the Act,
Should punish him forth with ‘as aforesaid,’
That he must wheel an empty pram through every street in town,
With a scarlet Tam-o’-shanter on his head.
We must get the fairs and markets, as my influence is great,
If you only name the number that you want,
I am thoroughly acquainted with the Chairman of the Lords,
He is first or second cousin to my aunt.
I consider the first Sunday of each month a proper day—
But the matter lies entirely with you—
Yet I know the country people and big buyers would attend
On that day, as they have nothing else to do.
I say the man should not be fined that take a drop too much
It’s quite time this kind of thing should cease,
A fellow must feel bad enough who spends his cash and time,
Without being pulled or hauled by the police.
Each publican in future must provide a motor car,
And if a man should lose his feet or head,
The shop man must then drive him to his number right away,
And see him safely tucked into his bed.
The Council must be furnished with a set of boxing gloves—
And if members start strong language with a will,
The meeting should adjourn, and retire for a time
To the historic shades of Barrack Hill.
Then when election times arrives (the thing can be arranged),
Of course it will be only just and fair,
The man who wins most victories can confidently be
Unanimously voted to the chair.
All these and many other things I mean to carry out,
So vote for me, and aid me where you can,
And, gentlemen, allow me to remain forever yours,
Laurence Doolan—private gentleman!
Larry Doolan,
Ballina, 13th January, 1906
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